Floppyshop 2

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Text File | 1997-04-16 | 17KB | 438 lines

Mechanic to customer : I'm afraid you have more of a problem than I anticipated Your battery needs a new car. Payment Plan : While on a shopping expedition, I mistakenly handed the salesperson my blood-donor card to pay for one of my purchases. He looked at it and then gave it back, saying "That's all right, lady. We still only want money." ---------------------------------------------------- Heard 11 Apr, 91 at 6:57 AM on radio station KKUP, Cupertino, CA: Host: Well, do you have any concluding statements, Marshall? Guest: No, I don't, Larry. Host: Then could you say something to last about three minutes? ---------------------------------------------------- From the Star Tribune, _Letters from readers_, April 9, 1991: (Some background -- a police investigation recently resulted in a bust in which a couple dozen postal employee were arrested for being involved with drugs or drug dealing "on the job". I assume this is original to the author, W. L. Gillies) Regarding the postal workers arrested for drugs in Minneapolis [MN] last week, I hope that the investigating team did not waste any time or money looking for speed or other amphetamines. ---------------------------------------------------- In response to an article from earlier in my collection, Peter Karras responded: there WAS some development into ejection seats for helicopters. they would fetch the pilot SIDEWAYS out of the chopper. ---------------------------------------------------- From: bostic@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic) >From March 6th San Francisco Chronicle: "I've never taken drugs, so that's why I'm probably not a big Doors fan." Spike Lee expressing his deep admiration for Jim Morrison and the Doors, in US magazine. ---------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you spell boss backwards? A: Double S.O.B. ---------------------------------------------------- While out Looking For A Place To Hunt: (supposedly true) A carload of hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmers yard. The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt. The old farmer said, "Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? That old mule standing over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don't have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?" The hunter said, "Sure," and headed for the car. While walking back, however, he decided to pull a trick on his hunting buddies. He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer had said OK, he said "No, we can't hunt here, but I'm going to teach that old cuss a lesson." With that, he rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and blasted the mule. As he exclaimed, "There, that will teach him!" a second shot rang out from the passenger side. And, one of his hunting buddies shouted, "I got the cow!" Copied from the Brownells Gunsmiths Newsletter who credits Larry Ahlman, Ahlman's, Rt. 1, Box 20, Morristown, MN 55052. ---------------------------------------------------- Mike Royko had a rather amusing article in August of 1988 regarding Phone Hucksters. There's this fellow called Robert Bulmash who says that they [the phone huckster] will be billed for any time used when they call him. If they persist, he takes them to small claims court. The article says that he has taken five small companies to court. Royko goes on to say that he's collected $120 here and there, but now and then he nails one. One time when he (Bulmash) was making a case against the Plan-O-Soft Water Conditioning Company, the Judge says, "Yeah! I was called twice during last night's ball game!" and awarded the guy 97 cents and $38 in court costs. Bulmash has started a company called Private Citizens Inc which puts together a mailing list (as of the writing, $15 if you want to join) of people who don't want to be called. If they are called, the telemarketer gets billed for time. I wish I had the date for the article, It's roughly August of 1988 in the Chicago Tribune. ---------------------------------------------------- From: kent@parc.xerox.com The latest in phone scams occurred this week in New York. <Company foo> employees with pagers received phone inquiries from 540 numbers, which are billed the same as 900 numbers. When the number is called, the customer is automatically charged $55.00. Employees from other companies around New York have also been hit by this scam. ---------------------------------------------------- I spotted the following in the New York Times last week: A friend of mine received a phone call. "Who is this?" a woman's voice answered. "Whom do you want to speak to?" my friend asked. "Did you say 'whom'?" the caller inqured after a somewhat startled pause. "Yes" my friend said. "I have the wrong number" the caller said. Then she hung up. ---------------------------------------------------- From: marc@skypod.uucp (Marc Fournier) --------------------- The quack was selling a potion which he declared would make one live to a ripe old age. "Look at me," he shouted, "hale and hearty. I'm over three hundred years old." "Is he really as old as that?" asked a listener of the young assistant. "I can't say," replied the assistant, "I've only worked for him a hundred years." ------------------------' One man found the key to safe driving for his wife. He reminded her that if she had an accident, the newspapers would print her age with the police report. ------------------------- Before the plane took off, the flight attendant gave chewing gum to all the passengers. "This will keep your ears from popping when we attain a high altititude," she told them. After the plane landed, a worried-looking man came over to the flight attendant. "This was my first flight," he told her. "It was very nice, but now that it's over, could you tell me how to get this gum out of my ears?" ------------ The maid had just been discharged. Extracting five dollars from her purse, she threw it to Fido, the family dog. When asked why by her former employer, she answered, "I never forget a friend. This was for helping me clean the dishes all this time." ------------ A little boy who had spent a week at a dude ranch told his mother excitedly: "Mom, I even saw a man who makes horses." "Are you sure?" asked his mother. "Yes," he replied. "He had the horse nearly finished when I saw him, and he was just nailing on the feet." ---------------------------------------------------- From cybapunk@tornado.gen.nz (Phil Ross) ------------------------------ A very proud mother phoned up a big Sunday newspaper and reported that she'd given birth to seven children. The girl at the desk didn't quite catch the message and asked: "Would you repeat that?" "Not if I can help it," the woman replied. ------------------------------ Excuse me, sire," said the down and out tramp to the millionaire he accosted in the street. "I've trudged over 100 miles to meet you because I've heard that you are the world's kindest and most generous man." "Indeed," said the millionaire. "And will you be going back the same way?" "I expect so, sir." "Then do me a favour, will you? Just deny that rumor when you get back." ------------------------------ A little girl called Esme Pipple was taken by her father to a seance. When they arrived, the medium asked Esme is there was anybody she would like to contact and speak to. "I'd like to speak to my Granny," said Esme. "Certainly, my dear," said the medium, going into a deep trance. He began to moan and talk in a strange voice, saying "This is your Granny speaking from Heaven... a wonderful place in the skies. Is there anything you'd like to ask me, my child?" "Yes, Granny," said Esme. "What are you doing in Heaven when you're not even dead yet?" ------------------------------ POLICEMAN : Here! Why are you trying to cross the road in this dangerous spot? Can't you see there's a zebra crossing only forty yards away? PEDESTRIAN: Well, I hope the poor beast is having better luck than I am. ------------------------------ The solicitor was reading the late Wilberforce Toeworthy's will, and had just reached the final paragraph. In a deep voice he intoned : "I always said I'd remember my dear wife, Gertrude, and mention her in my will. So - hello there, Gertie!" ------------------------------ 1ST ESKIMO : That's strange. I installed radiators in my kayak and it immediately went up in flames! How do you explain that? 2ND ESKIMO : Simple, my friend. You can't hope to have your kayak and heat it too! (Cake and eat it too) ========================================================================= Subject: Another Monday, another portion of Henry Cate III's humor archive God invented mothers because he couln't be every where at once And God invented guilt because mothers could be every where at once. ---------------------------------------------------- Disclaimer: I used to be sane, but I got better. ---------------------------------------------------- One of my American friends commented about soccer: We guys don't play this game much. You have to use your head a lot in this game, you know........ ---------------------------------------------------- "Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it." -- Donald Knuth ---------------------------------------------------- Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage. -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post ---------------------------------------------------- Rather remeniscent of a line by Tom Lehrer, from the introduction to the song "It Makes a Fellow Proud to be a Soldier," which goes something to the effect of: "All kidding about the army aside, one must admire the way the military has followed the democratic ideal to its logical conclusion, in that they forbid discrimination not only on the basis of race, creed, and color, but on the basis of......ability." ---------------------------------------------------- Overheard in the regimental mess: First soldier: "Pass me the chocolate pudding, would you?" Second soldier: "No way, Jose!" First soldier: "Whyever not?" Second soldier: "It's against regulations to help another soldier to dessert!" ---------------------------------------------------- There are four wheels and eight men on a fire engine. Four and eight makes 12. There are 12 inches in a ruler. Queen Elizabeth is a ruler. The Queen Elizabeth was a ship. Ships sail in the sea. The sea has fish. Fish have fins. The Finns are always fighting the Russians. Russians are known as "red". Fire engines are always rushin', and that's why they're red. ---------------------------------------------------- It's not whether you win or lose It's whether *I* win or lose. ---------------------------------------------------- #A LUCKY MACINTOSH USER had the Talking Moose program (Addison-Wesley Publishing Co.) working on his Macintosh when burglars broke into his home while he was away. Presumably thinking there was someone in the home, the burglars left the room with the Macintosh alone. --Seattle Times 4/30 ---------------------------------------------------- When the husband came home from his job, he found his wife crying. -"Your mother insulted me, very much.", she sobbed. -"My mother ? How could she do that when she's on a vacation on the other side of the world ?" -"I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it, because I was curious." -"And ?" -"At the end of the letter it was written: PS. Dear Catherine, when you've read this letter, don't forget to give it to my son." ---------------------------------------------------- -"I dont know how to make my wife stop buying all these gloves." -"Buy her a diamond ring." ---------------------------------------------------- They were married, but since the argument they had a few days earlier, they hadn't been talking to each other. Instead they were giving each other written notes. One evening he gave her a paper where it said: "Wake me up tomorrow morning at 6 am." The next morning he woke up and saw that it was 9 o'clock. Naturally he got very angry, but as he turned around he found a note on his pillow saying: "Wake up, it's 6 o'clock !!!" ---------------------------------------------------- The police arrested 2 tramps, one for drinking battery fluid, the other for eating a firework. What did they do with them? Well, they charged one, and let the other one off. ---------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the new breakfast special, it's called the LAPD Egg? It's one egg, with the hell beaten out of it. Did you hear about the guy who got caught beating somebody up? He was charged with impersonating an officer. ---------------------------------------------------- In a very small alley two trucks driving in opposite directions meet. As the drivers are equally stubborn, none of them wants to reverse. They angrily look one at the other. Finally, one of them picks up a newspaper and starts reading. The other one says: -"Will you, please, when you've finished the paper, give it to me ?" ---------------------------------------------------- What does the poly graduate say to the university graduate ? "Guilty, M'lud" ------------------------- Q. Did you hear about the Newcastle uni grad student who successfully enrolled on a post grad course at cov poly? A. No,neither has anybody............ ---------------------------------------------------- From: chiyo@tharr.UUCP (Douglas Spencer) I heard this joke on a BBC Radio 4 Documentary on Finland, on 15/4/91. Two Finnish gentlemen decide they are going to do some drinking. They lay on some supplies and shut themselves away in a room. They drink solidly for three days. Then, one of them turns to the other to say "Do you think that perhaps we should *eat* something ?" The other one replies "Did we come here to drink, or to talk ?" ---------------------------------------------------- From: monson@cayman.AMD.COM (Steve Monson) Here's another my father told me many long years ago... A truck driver is hauling a load of new automobiles one night, when his headlights go out. He tries to fix them, but to no avail. He can't afford to spend the night without driving, since the cars must be delivered the next day. It's a lonely country road, so there's no one even coming along whom he can ask for help. Finally he figures out how to solve his problem: he turns on the headlights of the car over the truck cab. The lights shine down on the road, and he proceeds to haul his load. Some time later, a car approaches. As the truck and car get about fifty yards apart, the car suddenly swerves off the road into the ditch. The trucker pulls to a stop and runs back to see what made the car driver do such a thing. He asks the motorist, "Are you all right? What happened? Why did you run off the road so suddenly?" The driver looks at the trucker and says, "I saw these headlights coming at me, and thought, 'If it's that high, how _wide_ is it?!?'" ---------------------------------------------------- A BYU coed was driving on the road from school to home when she saw a man trying to hitch a ride. She picked him up and they got to talking. "What do you do?" "I recently escaped from prison for having killed my wife." "Oh, does that mean you are available?" ---------------------------------------------------- unclear on the concept: The Met Office is now using fax machines to give local authorities early warning of severe weather. The Hampshire emergency planning office said: "Rather than having to rely on telephones, for instance, where lines are at risk in bad weather, we are encouraging the wider use of fax machines." {News courtesy of the Reading Evening Post}